Author: unknown

Jokes

Just a few...

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.
Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside..."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

The Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,let's go outside and have a catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.. That is ten way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again." 

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
 
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
 
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." 

"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'." 

"No way. You're on." 

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes. 

"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." 

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse." 

"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

Aventriloquist and his dummy are touring some clubs and stop to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of "dumb blonde" jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, A$$#01E! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's hair color have to do with them as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in my community and from reaching our full potential...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humor." 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little guy!!!!"

It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."
The son, not understanding, asks his father: "What are the Twin Towers?" 
The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them." 
The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."