Windows source code

TOPSECRET!!! SOURCE-CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!



From: Roland Vossen & Alex de Waal (the Netherlands)
Look what we've intercepted from Microsoft after a week of hard hacking their computersystem:

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */


#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version 



void main()
{ 
	if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
	{
		if (there_are_still_bugs)
			market(bugfix);
		
		if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
			raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
	}

	while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
	{
		make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */

		if (rumours_grow_wilder)
			make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

		if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
		{
			market_time=ready;
			say("It will be ready in one month);

			order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); 
			order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
			order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);

			vapourware=TRUE;

			break;
		} 
	}

	switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
	{
		case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
		say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
		break;

		case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
		say("Yes it will work");
		ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
		pretend(there_is_no_problem); 
		break;

		case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
		say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
		inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
		inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plantcos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
		inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");

		get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
		break;

		case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
		say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
		register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); 
		when(time_is_ready)
		{
			arrest(journalist);
			brainwash(journalist);
			when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
			{
				order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
				release (journalist);
			}
		}
		break;
	}

	while (vapourware)
	{ 
		introduction_date++; /* Delay */

		if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
			break;

		say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
	}

	release(beta_version) 

	while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
	{
		bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
		release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);

		introduce(more_memory_requirements);

		if (customers_report_installation_problems)
		{
			say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
			if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
			{
				ignore(customer); 
				order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
			}
		} 

		if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
		{
			divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);

			wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

			marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

			devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

			if (boobies_start_to_hang)
				dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
		}

		if (there_is_another_company)
		{
			steal(their_ideas);

			accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);

			hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */

			wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

			buy_out(other_company);
		}
	}

	/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */

	order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);

	buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);

	laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
} 


void bugfix(void)
{
	charge (a_lot_of_money)

	if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
		say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

	if (still_complaints)
	{
		ignore(customer);
		register(customer, big_Bill_book);

		/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

	} 

}